Went Nowhere to Somewhere Fast.

So I'm taking a shot in the aimless dark. I have no honest clue where this post is going. This is one of those times I suppose where I want to write but its nothing too extremely secretive I have in mind. I've been working on another (yes, another) story and though I see exactly where this little stories going I just have no want to work on it. Call it unmotivated, lazy, or just down right weird. I keep thinking why if I have words for this am I too lazy to put it down on to paper. That's actually pretty simple in my case. I have a million stories floating on around up there in that magical place I like to call my brain and sometimes they just don't want to be introduced into the world quite yet. I would like to think that they are just not ready and once the right words come out then the story will once again begin. I still have tons of stories half written out that I just never brought myself to finish. I still remember exactly where I was going with them I just never finished writing it out. My mom wants me to be a writer. She thinks I can go somewhere with it but I am one of those horribly critical in their own work people and never managed to put myself out there too far. I've been kind of thinking of starting a new Wattpad account or just using my same one and slowly publishing different beginnings to stories and see exactly where they go.

I think I'm just not too full of myself. I know there are tons of people out in the world that could put my writing to shame. Even when people say I need to put my stories out there let the world judge you, I'm afraid this cruel world may discover a new meaning of cruel when it comes to me for some reason. Should I stop being such a baby? I don't know. There are few things I get sensitive over and writing is one of my soft spots. I know that people can be cruel for no reason whatsoever, having witnessed it first hand.

Maybe I should just post it. Let the world embrace or reject my logic at least its only through the Internet behind a screen name right. I think that's what I'll do. And I'll add the link to it into the links or make a post telling where to find it. Hmmm off to put myself into the world, damned if I do damned if I don't.

Writing Clogs

I can't write anything. I can write of course, but all of it just comes out wrong to me. I have all of these thoughts and when I try to get it on paper or just written down it sounds too forced, very unreal. But Maybe that just means something else like Maybe I just am feeling unreal. I'm not sure I go through stints where I just can't write as Well as I know I'm capable of. I've also been zoning out a lot and I know that's mostly due to the fact of my thoughts bouncing around in chaos up there with no release. I'll be on the phone, Eating, other even just talking to someone and I space. My mind feels so jumbled and full. I have a constant pressure of flying thoughts. Even writing this I keep zoning out if I look up for too long. Hopefully this is on the right track of getting my writing capabilities back. I think it helps being at my dad's house. There's not a constant need to make sure everyone is taken care of, I just have to take care of myself. I think this is why I was a dingy child. I couldn't be to myself and wasn't Exactly sure how to get my thoughts out safely. So I sat and thought instead of verbalizing and writing. I've had serious thoughts for as long as I can remember. Trying to find out why that even though my siblings and I shared the Same mother I was darker than everyone. Being raised in a Christian environment and going going through a rough time as a kid, I found myself questioning God a lot and shamelessly to this day still do. I've found that people don't typically like when you question the big man upstairs. As a child I was scorned a lot and as an adult get disgusted looks as if I should've found the magical answer by now. But my beliefs are for another Sitting. All in all I've just always felt more than I could help and I personally see Nothing wrong with that, that is of course until my brain gets clogged up. As for now I think I've cleared up a little wiggle room in my head so Maybe I can write more. This may be a greater accomplishment than I predicted.

Am I a Dramatic Airhead?

So today my mom told me I was a dramatic airhead. I will concede to those but only to an extent. I don't appreciate the term airhead because even of there is just air filling an area the area is still full. And In my unique way of thinking have decided if my head is so full of air then people need it to survive just as they need air so maybe my thoughts are life sustaining. Yeah anything to get out of sounding like I am just devoid of thoughts. But I know I am not. I just zone out and will think about a numerous amount of things and sometimes will miss things that are real and actually taking place around me but my brain and thought process can be way more fun at times then paying attention to random reality. And as for dramatic, I feel as if I have a gift to flare up the mundane around me whether it seems rational or like I'm just a very odd person. I quote Shakespeare, monologues of it in fact, and other great authors such as Edgar Allen Poe and Lewis Carroll and whoever else fits the moment. I quote from movies a lot as Well and have a tendency to tell people to stay golden if they are actually really nice people Thanks to The Outsiders. I feel like people aren't dramatic enough!  They need to be more creative with how they talk and say things whenever I hear someone say something I come back with a quote or song lyric. I feel as if people allowed it, it could be educational if everyone shared their knowledge. I think I'm rambling now. Or maybe I am just that tired but I think that I made my point I may be a dramatic airhead at times but there is something behind it.


"You need people like me so you can point your Fu**ing finger and say, 'That's the bad guy' So What that make you, good? You're not good you know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. I always tell the truth, even when I lie. So say goodnight to the bad guy! Come on, last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on! Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy coming through! Better get out of his way." ~Scarface. (SORRY I just tend to say this a lot especially when people get mad at me speaking the truth it's one of my favorites) Goodnight and sorry for this long ramble post I might delete later lol

Do or Fail

So I'm sitting here on my laptop staring at the LCD screen. I've never been so afraid of this machine before. I'm looking at the clock in the right hand corner and keep pulling up the calendar and counting the days and recounting the days and feeling a rush of panic seep in. Its time for me to complete my online finals. This sucks. It seems like all of these combined are ten times harder than the exams in school. It's scary and I for once am actually nervous about messing up. But either I do them and pass, or fail which they can thankfully unlock even though that would be embarrassing. Or I can just ignore them and fail miserably. Oh the contempt I hold for these finals.