Went Nowhere to Somewhere Fast.

So I'm taking a shot in the aimless dark. I have no honest clue where this post is going. This is one of those times I suppose where I want to write but its nothing too extremely secretive I have in mind. I've been working on another (yes, another) story and though I see exactly where this little stories going I just have no want to work on it. Call it unmotivated, lazy, or just down right weird. I keep thinking why if I have words for this am I too lazy to put it down on to paper. That's actually pretty simple in my case. I have a million stories floating on around up there in that magical place I like to call my brain and sometimes they just don't want to be introduced into the world quite yet. I would like to think that they are just not ready and once the right words come out then the story will once again begin. I still have tons of stories half written out that I just never brought myself to finish. I still remember exactly where I was going with them I just never finished writing it out. My mom wants me to be a writer. She thinks I can go somewhere with it but I am one of those horribly critical in their own work people and never managed to put myself out there too far. I've been kind of thinking of starting a new Wattpad account or just using my same one and slowly publishing different beginnings to stories and see exactly where they go.

I think I'm just not too full of myself. I know there are tons of people out in the world that could put my writing to shame. Even when people say I need to put my stories out there let the world judge you, I'm afraid this cruel world may discover a new meaning of cruel when it comes to me for some reason. Should I stop being such a baby? I don't know. There are few things I get sensitive over and writing is one of my soft spots. I know that people can be cruel for no reason whatsoever, having witnessed it first hand.

Maybe I should just post it. Let the world embrace or reject my logic at least its only through the Internet behind a screen name right. I think that's what I'll do. And I'll add the link to it into the links or make a post telling where to find it. Hmmm off to put myself into the world, damned if I do damned if I don't.

Writing Clogs

I can't write anything. I can write of course, but all of it just comes out wrong to me. I have all of these thoughts and when I try to get it on paper or just written down it sounds too forced, very unreal. But Maybe that just means something else like Maybe I just am feeling unreal. I'm not sure I go through stints where I just can't write as Well as I know I'm capable of. I've also been zoning out a lot and I know that's mostly due to the fact of my thoughts bouncing around in chaos up there with no release. I'll be on the phone, Eating, other even just talking to someone and I space. My mind feels so jumbled and full. I have a constant pressure of flying thoughts. Even writing this I keep zoning out if I look up for too long. Hopefully this is on the right track of getting my writing capabilities back. I think it helps being at my dad's house. There's not a constant need to make sure everyone is taken care of, I just have to take care of myself. I think this is why I was a dingy child. I couldn't be to myself and wasn't Exactly sure how to get my thoughts out safely. So I sat and thought instead of verbalizing and writing. I've had serious thoughts for as long as I can remember. Trying to find out why that even though my siblings and I shared the Same mother I was darker than everyone. Being raised in a Christian environment and going going through a rough time as a kid, I found myself questioning God a lot and shamelessly to this day still do. I've found that people don't typically like when you question the big man upstairs. As a child I was scorned a lot and as an adult get disgusted looks as if I should've found the magical answer by now. But my beliefs are for another Sitting. All in all I've just always felt more than I could help and I personally see Nothing wrong with that, that is of course until my brain gets clogged up. As for now I think I've cleared up a little wiggle room in my head so Maybe I can write more. This may be a greater accomplishment than I predicted.

Disappointment

I feel like this word is one of the best words that have an effect on expectations turning into anything even if that thing isnt very realistic. So many things in this world from sickness, cancelled dates, even dreams of college that has made itself unrealistic for the time being. Sometimes I suppose we expect the bitter taste of disppointment so it's not as sour. Then there's those times where disappointment is so unexpected it feels as if we've been kicked in the gut one swift time by a kangaroo. Why is it that it is in our nature to expect so much? And why when disappointment knocks upon our door and we have no choice but to let it in and sit for a while, why do we still keep expecting? Sure it's easy to say just dont expect things from people but its in our nature to put our hopes into others to seek out those who will never disappoint and a good majority of the time people can be more disappointing then things. And for others it's the opposite. One of my favorite things that I have thought of, even though i'm sure I'm not the only one whose thought of it, is spoken wishes. A lot of my friends don't understand the meaning but it just mean when you speak on a hope, dream, or want, it becomes less likely to come true. I really believe that when you speak on things they are less likely to happen. But disappointment all in all is a lesson, sometimes its harder to swallow then other times. My hope is that one day when I expect something it wont be followed with a huge gush of disappointment, I mean come on reality is hard enough to handle.