Reintegration via blogging

So if you ask me what I've been up to since my son was born and i fell off of the face of this blog I'd simply say working. This is the overall sum though. Throughout the years I've fallen in love and found the person I want to keep growing with which is a lovely female who until further notice I will refer to her as wife. Me and my wife have been together for over a year now and I see it only continuing. It hasn't been a perfect pictures but it's been a picture I wouldn't want to throw out. My son is 3 now and growing smarter and smarter by the day. I'm working on getting him in school because I feel like he has so much more he can learn right now but since I live the fabulous life of the struggle I have to work everyday I'm scheduled. No complaints though I feel as if things are on a slow but sure come up. I've had a load ton of retail experience over the years and have lost my way with my true passion which is writing. Don't get me wrong retail is a cool gig and all but most definitely not one I want to stay in forever. I'm only 22 but with all this I've slowly felt as if I'm way older physically and mentally. There's so many stories I could give but in due time if we stick with this. I could go on but I have to remember to not overload in just one post reintegration my friends another slow, steady but sure thing. Catch y'all on the next post.

How do you start anew?

So if someone anyone stumbles across this blog that's been on unofficial, official hiatus be happy to know that this is a welcome back post made by me for me and you folks out there that enjoy the ramblings of a young woman trying to make it in this world. I'm not going to go on and on about where I've been and what I've been going through but let me tell you it has been a trip. These are all stories for the future for now I'm just glad to say I've got the drive to come back to this blog. In all reality I have tried blogging with other sites and even through this site. But I know I didn't continue with them because not one of them had as strong of an idea behind it as this one. Let me just say as of lately this blogs title resonates more and more with me each day.  I've tried to get ideas from people but I've come to the conclusion that maybe the best ideas that come from within. Well iooI'll be posting soon I hope you guys keep up.

It's Officially the Crazies!

Dreaded night time. It seems the only time where I'm able to be wide awake whether I want to or not. So here I am 4:00 am and wide awake. Not like I went to bed at 3 am yesterday and was up at 8 am. Granted I took an hour long nap from 8 pm to 9 but that obviously should not have been enough to keep me up this long I should be exhausted!

So here I am writing more. I don't know why I haven't been writing like this more. Its therapeutic. I think it helps that I found my tablet which is way easier to make blog post and type things on than on my phone which I was on most of the time. Sadly my laptop since it had his accident hasn't gotten too much love in the any kind of way department. But hey tablets are made for convenience right? I'm sure whoever reads this blog is tired of these ramble on post but I feel like behind them I have small moments of meaning.

My goal for my next post though is to have it be on an actual topic or subject of substance instead of another case of the crazies (because yes that's what I will from now on refer to these ramblings). But I been trying to think of something good and unboring. Where's Yoda to guide my young mind when I need him? I been thinking of actually scraping the one story I was working on or at least come back to it later. I feel like its too depressing of a story for me to work on right now. After coming up with a chapter I actually feel kind of depressed because of the mindset I have to get into to have the character completely believable. But when the time comes I'll decide.

I been curious about audio books lately as well. I have two that I purchased one being Divergent the other being The Hobbit. My problem comes in where I've never really found the need for audio books I actually really enjoy reading books (paper or electronic). So I'm beginning to think that little trial is gonna be for when my little guy gets here and I know I won't have time to sit back and crack open a good old novel.

But now of course as I'm writing this I'm getting a major case of the sheep all breaking down the fence Ive been trying to throw them over and attacking my eyelids. Its funny that when I'm doing nothing i am wide awake them the moment I actually start to get into something like making a blog post I can barely keep my eyes open. So before the yawns over take me and I can no longer function let me post this and go to bed. Thanks for surviving another bout of the crazy.

Sometime its just not that easy.

Coming up with post can actually be pretty hard sometimes. I know not a lot of people even read my blog anyway and I honestly don't know what to blog without being repetitive sometimes. I think that's why my better post are the ones where I get lost in what I'm saying. I don't know how much sense that makes but to me it just means I just et caught in my fly trap of a brain and just write what comes out.

Lately I've been lost. I have nothing to really do and then the things I can do exhaust me to the point of being able to do anything for a long amount of time. Being almost 9 months pregnant is no joke I tell you. So I just focus on an array of things being that I am a jack of many trades master of none. But it is it so bad to do that? For me yes. Then I give myself too many projects and most of them get left undone or untouched. Tragic is the role of a self entertaining jester. I feel all washed up like I'm just doing things to entertain myself then when I get bored move on. At least being a jester for myself means that someone can't come decapitate me for failing in my jester duties.

Rambling again... Anyway I feel so stuck. That is possibly the worst feeling to have at 35 weeks pregnant im discovering. It feels like my brain is going everywhere but I can't do anything to quiet my discomfort. From working on a story I don't think is good enough to poems I think are entirely too morbid I am stuck watching degrassi reruns to soothe my soul. I can't wait for this baby to get here and for school to start just to give me something constant to do and focus on. Now if that's not sad idk what is.

So here I am midnight, I've been practically asleep all day and still want to sleep (probably not helping with the crazies) and have no desire to move. So I'm typing this blog post on my tablet letting my mind wander to whatever. I really need to invest into some more forums other than babycenter though cause I think its causing me to have even weirder dreams than I already get. Should I end this crazy train here tonight or keep going... I suppose I could just make more post then just upload those when the blog needs a good ol' updating. Hmmm possibilities...well I guess I'll stop clogging the internet for now with crazy ramblings. If you made it this far you are a brave soul >.<.

Nothing to it but to do it. That's What They Say, Right?

So it's no secret that I haven't been having that much luck with jobs. i mean I have this job helping run an online store but the way I get paid is if someone actually makes a purchase and so far that has not been too luck fulfilling on my part. So I decided I should volunteer. Volunteer work is a great way to get some experience that you can put on a resume and colleges love to see that. Not only that I genuinely love to help out.

So anyways tomorrow I have a meeting with the coordinator of volunteer services at this hospice center and of course I want to volunteer in the office part of the place because being pregnant and what not I feel as if I would get too emotional dealing with sick elderly people my heart is too big for that. I am good dealing with stoic work that doesn't get me attached to certain individuals. Maybe after I have the baby I will be less of a cry baby.

But anyway I am really in love with this opportunity. True its only volunteer but the aspect of getting to help out even a little bit and someone actually wants me to help out is so exciting to me. The only dimming side is that absolutely nothing fit so I had to go to the store where I had a time in a half finding anything remotely cute and comfortable to wear to the meeting up with him tomorrow. So now I have something somewhat decent. Even though its a meeting for volunteer work I still wanted to look somewhat professional because I don't want them to think I'd show up in just anything to help out.

But moral of this post, I just have to go in there and hope for the best possible outcome. I really want this opportunity to help someone else out even if it is just filing.

You Can Do That?! (Guess Not)

Why did no one tell me it was possible to make a blog post from your email?
Am I just that slow or is it not common knowledge? I'm secretly hoping that
it just is not known as a means of blogging instead of feeling slow. So I'm
trying it just to see how it is and what not.

I can't say I'm getting an anxiety disorder considering I already have one
but I think its transforming. I have at least one baby dream a night and
they are all extremely, extremely weird. I've had a whole montage of
strange dreams though that I have no idea where they came from in my mind.
Like legit lifetime movie dreams that no one would even think I was
possible of thinking up in my unconscious state of mind.

I'm rambling again. Well I don't know once again how I got from point A to
C but I made that trip in the most ineloquent way, by talking about how I
have a case of the crazies. Well until the next ramble on post then.

P.S It didn't even work!

Update? Update!

Who is the World’s Worst Blogger?

Me obviously you saw that one coming from a mile away since I haven’t added a post since June. No seriously, June. I honestly did not think that I could be that spaced as to where I don’t blog for almost 2 months. I’ve seriously needed to at times though. I’ve been writing a lot but its not the same release as complaining to a bunch (few) people that don’t know me online. Like putting my words down then just closing the cover doesn’t really do much because I still feel the same indignity I felt just not quite as strong.

So two months has gone by, I guess you can say either a lot or very little happened depending on where you’re standing and which angle you see it from. I am now 8 months pregnant, worked things out with my baby’s father, got a job of sorts, and starting soon will be volunteering until I have this baby. I don’t even know why I am trying to keep so busy. You would think with me being the size of a beached whale I’d want to sit and relax for these last 7 weeks before I push a child out of my vagina but it’s the exact opposite. I hate relaxing and there’s always at least one thing that needs to be done.

I am working on getting the last few credits I need for high school and it feels like the process for applying for this school is taking forever. I really want to get done so that I can have a part time job and start college in the winter. It seems like time is in fast forward right now and I am powerless to stop it. How many pages I’ve filled with thoughts could’ve been enough to upload a post each week but I remained flighty and unreminded so the thoughts are tucked away in journals and notebooks and somewhere a napkin.

I know I will start blogging more because part of my new job is blogging for a business so hey why not go to my blog after I update there’s so I can keep on a schedule. I really need to blog more before I lose my sanity though.

I'm fine, how are you??

Did I make the week? I think I did or Maybe I missed it? I don't know but I'm updating so Yay. I've had a semi eventful week I guess. So father's day we went to golden corrals, I'm not gonna lie I'm a little disappointed. Maybe if I was a child and had never had super delicious food, or better variety I would've enjoyed it more. But from the advertising I assumed it'd be wayyy better than it was. But decent enough. The highlight though was hanging out with my father and uncle and enjoying their company. But since Sunday I've been at my sisters house and I sadly forgot my laptop at home and am now typing this from my phone which I hate doing! But I needed to just update. So I don't know I'm gonna start just asking how are you guys today/this week. I know Maybe only a few people read this blog but I'm curious I always talk about myself let's try to get some responses Yeah? I mean if not that's cool too just make me look like I'm talking no one when I know you're out there! Lol I'll just sound paranoid. But seriously guys I get bored talkin about myself entrust me with how your lives are going. Enlighten me and I promise I'll care! But that's all for now, just a super quick update. Later guys :).

Where's the Light?? (Story Update)

I need some light for my dark mind. My story I started and posted a chapter of on Wattpad is already kinda dark. Well not dark just flat out messed up. But that's how I have to function. I'd rather start off a story with a fucked up character that has the potential to heal then to destroy a beautiful soul in front of the world and come off cold hearted. I have hope for people and that's why my character starts off in such a twisted fucked up situation. It will all get better though because this story was decided before I even wrote it down. I can't sit here and say that the worlds fucked up so she deserves it but if you think about it everything works out for the best in that situation in the end. Sometimes there are those tragic stories where everyone dies (Hamlet) but not this time! Good shall prevail. I feel hyped up today for some reason even though today I should just be relaxing but I just keep feeling the urge to do something semi-productive with my life. But as for now the story is calling my name. I should add a description here though so if it sounds good then you can head on over to read it. I'm about to go add in a warning though in the beginning so that no one is freaked out or anything. Well I'll update later :)

Description for story:

             Melanie is beautiful, smart, and abused. She is a damaged girl and afraid to let anyone in. She stays silent about her abuse but will that all change when she meets the new mysterious boy at her school. Fresh from winter break rumors are running rampant about the dangerous quiet new kid Marco and Melanie is intrigued but put off by these rumors. Will fate give her no chance but to let this seemingly equally damaged guy into her life or will she stay in her shell and allow her life to continue to be ran by her haunting abuser.

Link to story if you liked the idea or if you wanna tell me how much it sucks there instead of here:

The Horrible Price of Freedom:
The Horrible Price of Freedom Chapter 1

I Suck!

Yeah just like the title says I SUCK! I don't even have the excuse that I've been so busy I just have gotten a little lazy. But I am forcing a new rule on myself where I have to update at least once a week. I will set a reminder and everything. I have to post something even if it's just a picture of a kitten lol. But these past few weeks have been...interesting to say the least. As I type I'm debating if I should throw in this piece of bad news just to get it off my chest...Maybe I'll just put it out there I mean there is a potential good outcome.

So I went to the Cardiologist last Tuesday (June 3) and found out that there is a good chance that I have a condition called tachycardia. I wasn't sure what tachycardia was but I know now that it means that I have a rapid heartbeat that randomly increases from a steady normal rate of 100 bpm (resting rate) to a much higher one randomly. I thought in all honesty that these were just anxiety attacks because about two years ago I was having the same thing but would pass out and I assumed that it was stress. Now fast forward to now it turns out that I may have a heart condition. I'm hoping that it isn't too serious and I have to wear a heart monitor for three weeks after it arrives which should be any day now. My mom scared me by saying that if it's too serious there's a chance that I might not be able to deliver normally when the time cause because with this condition if not treated more carefully can lead to other heart problems and I really would rather avoid the whole heart attack at 19 business.

But that's been the main thing that's been happening with me. I turned 19 Friday btw. So another milestone reached in the world of Shawna Harris. But I felt that I needed to update and get some stuff off of my chest make my life a little lighter. But I promise I'm gonna start whipping myself into shape with this updating stuff lol. Until next time.

Writing Clogs

I can't write anything. I can write of course, but all of it just comes out wrong to me. I have all of these thoughts and when I try to get it on paper or just written down it sounds too forced, very unreal. But Maybe that just means something else like Maybe I just am feeling unreal. I'm not sure I go through stints where I just can't write as Well as I know I'm capable of. I've also been zoning out a lot and I know that's mostly due to the fact of my thoughts bouncing around in chaos up there with no release. I'll be on the phone, Eating, other even just talking to someone and I space. My mind feels so jumbled and full. I have a constant pressure of flying thoughts. Even writing this I keep zoning out if I look up for too long. Hopefully this is on the right track of getting my writing capabilities back. I think it helps being at my dad's house. There's not a constant need to make sure everyone is taken care of, I just have to take care of myself. I think this is why I was a dingy child. I couldn't be to myself and wasn't Exactly sure how to get my thoughts out safely. So I sat and thought instead of verbalizing and writing. I've had serious thoughts for as long as I can remember. Trying to find out why that even though my siblings and I shared the Same mother I was darker than everyone. Being raised in a Christian environment and going going through a rough time as a kid, I found myself questioning God a lot and shamelessly to this day still do. I've found that people don't typically like when you question the big man upstairs. As a child I was scorned a lot and as an adult get disgusted looks as if I should've found the magical answer by now. But my beliefs are for another Sitting. All in all I've just always felt more than I could help and I personally see Nothing wrong with that, that is of course until my brain gets clogged up. As for now I think I've cleared up a little wiggle room in my head so Maybe I can write more. This may be a greater accomplishment than I predicted.

It's a.......Baby Update!

BOY!!!!! I'm having a lovely baby boy. I'm so happy. Seeing him yesterday was euphoric. I couldn't even blog or talk to someone normal cause the way I was feeling yesterday was beyond any feeling that I could even muster a word for. Hes getting so big and he's so lovely and I am just already won over and am ready for September so I can meet my little guy. But I don't think I've been happier or felt more fuller and I swear its like overnight this bump has been growing. I just had to let anyone who reads this blog to know I found out and he is a bouncing baby boy and healthy. I'm so in love with this baby its unreal.

Almost a Month?!

Where has the time gone? With life getting in the way its almost been a month since I've posted. Luckily I finally have a laptop again and feel like I have a connection to the world again. Well that's beyond the access of a self phone. It is too difficult to blog from a phone even though I'd absolutely love to. But everything's been going good minus some small hiccups but what part of life doesn't have those. I might get to find out the gender of the baby Tuesday so that's exciting and I started back writing just to get my mind off the negative. But hopefully now that I have my computer back it won't be as hard to post because lord knows its a devil of a time to do it on the phone even though I had a couple of times. But that's all for now more another day.

Where Does the Time Go?

It never fails that I inevitably lose track of time. I'll be sitting in a room and thinking and realize all the things that I let slide for if not only a few days a week or so. I feel slow especially when it's routine things that I let slip past me. Lately I just haven't been feeling 100% and as a result I have been slacking in certain areas. But I've been trying! That had to count for something, right? Well I need to stop being so scattered brained and try focusing more for the sake of mine and everyone around me and the wisps of sanity still in the air I can grab and shove back into my ear. Well this was a quick update but I should have something better tomorrow.

To Write! or..Not to Write

Yesterday I had that feeling of wanting to update the blog but just could never find the right words to fill into the blank spaces. I literally made 3 drafts with just titles no words or anything. So I decided best to just save the ideas then come back to it right? So when I logged in today and saw this title I decided, why not write on this, I did have writers block for a full day. It's rare that I am at a loss for words considering my insatiable need for someone to hear and understand me and my thoughts. I know not many people care but the thought that just maybe one person out there cares enough to look is pretty comforting. I think a lot, that's what I do and I don't always feel comfortable sharing certain thoughts or feelings with people. Well I would write more but it seems that some more spring cleaning and organizing is calling my name.

Baby Update 1

So today i went to the OBGYN and had the best news I've probably had in a while. Well not best but pretty darn good thing. I got to see the baby! I never thought that would be happy seeing the baby but I was brought to tears.That little peanut was the most active little 11 1/2 week old even my mom and doc said they weren't surprised i'd been feeling light flutters. All in all today was the brightest day that i've had in a while. The only dimming thing to the day was I didnt really have someone else to marvel with yeah my mom was happy but its not the same as if the babies dad was there.I mean it isn't really my fault he felt that he wasnt ready for a serious relationship soon after I found out I was pregnant. Even though him and me dont have the best of relationships I still love this kid to death and would go through hell and back for my baby already. My love for this kid is the one thing i'm sure of. But I just wanted to give a baby update since I had one because I don't get them often and I don't really talk about the normal what everyone usually goes through stuff. Besides thats not what this blog is it's just stating things I experience,and as far as expectations today this was completely unexpected and as I watched my baby dance in my womb and it made me cry woth joy for the first time in my life I wa literally slapped with the scary, joyful, ever present situation I'm in and I loves every second of it.