It's Officially the Crazies!

Dreaded night time. It seems the only time where I'm able to be wide awake whether I want to or not. So here I am 4:00 am and wide awake. Not like I went to bed at 3 am yesterday and was up at 8 am. Granted I took an hour long nap from 8 pm to 9 but that obviously should not have been enough to keep me up this long I should be exhausted!

So here I am writing more. I don't know why I haven't been writing like this more. Its therapeutic. I think it helps that I found my tablet which is way easier to make blog post and type things on than on my phone which I was on most of the time. Sadly my laptop since it had his accident hasn't gotten too much love in the any kind of way department. But hey tablets are made for convenience right? I'm sure whoever reads this blog is tired of these ramble on post but I feel like behind them I have small moments of meaning.

My goal for my next post though is to have it be on an actual topic or subject of substance instead of another case of the crazies (because yes that's what I will from now on refer to these ramblings). But I been trying to think of something good and unboring. Where's Yoda to guide my young mind when I need him? I been thinking of actually scraping the one story I was working on or at least come back to it later. I feel like its too depressing of a story for me to work on right now. After coming up with a chapter I actually feel kind of depressed because of the mindset I have to get into to have the character completely believable. But when the time comes I'll decide.

I been curious about audio books lately as well. I have two that I purchased one being Divergent the other being The Hobbit. My problem comes in where I've never really found the need for audio books I actually really enjoy reading books (paper or electronic). So I'm beginning to think that little trial is gonna be for when my little guy gets here and I know I won't have time to sit back and crack open a good old novel.

But now of course as I'm writing this I'm getting a major case of the sheep all breaking down the fence Ive been trying to throw them over and attacking my eyelids. Its funny that when I'm doing nothing i am wide awake them the moment I actually start to get into something like making a blog post I can barely keep my eyes open. So before the yawns over take me and I can no longer function let me post this and go to bed. Thanks for surviving another bout of the crazy.

Sometime its just not that easy.

Coming up with post can actually be pretty hard sometimes. I know not a lot of people even read my blog anyway and I honestly don't know what to blog without being repetitive sometimes. I think that's why my better post are the ones where I get lost in what I'm saying. I don't know how much sense that makes but to me it just means I just et caught in my fly trap of a brain and just write what comes out.

Lately I've been lost. I have nothing to really do and then the things I can do exhaust me to the point of being able to do anything for a long amount of time. Being almost 9 months pregnant is no joke I tell you. So I just focus on an array of things being that I am a jack of many trades master of none. But it is it so bad to do that? For me yes. Then I give myself too many projects and most of them get left undone or untouched. Tragic is the role of a self entertaining jester. I feel all washed up like I'm just doing things to entertain myself then when I get bored move on. At least being a jester for myself means that someone can't come decapitate me for failing in my jester duties.

Rambling again... Anyway I feel so stuck. That is possibly the worst feeling to have at 35 weeks pregnant im discovering. It feels like my brain is going everywhere but I can't do anything to quiet my discomfort. From working on a story I don't think is good enough to poems I think are entirely too morbid I am stuck watching degrassi reruns to soothe my soul. I can't wait for this baby to get here and for school to start just to give me something constant to do and focus on. Now if that's not sad idk what is.

So here I am midnight, I've been practically asleep all day and still want to sleep (probably not helping with the crazies) and have no desire to move. So I'm typing this blog post on my tablet letting my mind wander to whatever. I really need to invest into some more forums other than babycenter though cause I think its causing me to have even weirder dreams than I already get. Should I end this crazy train here tonight or keep going... I suppose I could just make more post then just upload those when the blog needs a good ol' updating. Hmmm possibilities...well I guess I'll stop clogging the internet for now with crazy ramblings. If you made it this far you are a brave soul >.<.

You Can Do That?! (Guess Not)

Why did no one tell me it was possible to make a blog post from your email?
Am I just that slow or is it not common knowledge? I'm secretly hoping that
it just is not known as a means of blogging instead of feeling slow. So I'm
trying it just to see how it is and what not.

I can't say I'm getting an anxiety disorder considering I already have one
but I think its transforming. I have at least one baby dream a night and
they are all extremely, extremely weird. I've had a whole montage of
strange dreams though that I have no idea where they came from in my mind.
Like legit lifetime movie dreams that no one would even think I was
possible of thinking up in my unconscious state of mind.

I'm rambling again. Well I don't know once again how I got from point A to
C but I made that trip in the most ineloquent way, by talking about how I
have a case of the crazies. Well until the next ramble on post then.

P.S It didn't even work!

Where's the Light?? (Story Update)

I need some light for my dark mind. My story I started and posted a chapter of on Wattpad is already kinda dark. Well not dark just flat out messed up. But that's how I have to function. I'd rather start off a story with a fucked up character that has the potential to heal then to destroy a beautiful soul in front of the world and come off cold hearted. I have hope for people and that's why my character starts off in such a twisted fucked up situation. It will all get better though because this story was decided before I even wrote it down. I can't sit here and say that the worlds fucked up so she deserves it but if you think about it everything works out for the best in that situation in the end. Sometimes there are those tragic stories where everyone dies (Hamlet) but not this time! Good shall prevail. I feel hyped up today for some reason even though today I should just be relaxing but I just keep feeling the urge to do something semi-productive with my life. But as for now the story is calling my name. I should add a description here though so if it sounds good then you can head on over to read it. I'm about to go add in a warning though in the beginning so that no one is freaked out or anything. Well I'll update later :)

Description for story:

             Melanie is beautiful, smart, and abused. She is a damaged girl and afraid to let anyone in. She stays silent about her abuse but will that all change when she meets the new mysterious boy at her school. Fresh from winter break rumors are running rampant about the dangerous quiet new kid Marco and Melanie is intrigued but put off by these rumors. Will fate give her no chance but to let this seemingly equally damaged guy into her life or will she stay in her shell and allow her life to continue to be ran by her haunting abuser.

Link to story if you liked the idea or if you wanna tell me how much it sucks there instead of here:

The Horrible Price of Freedom:
The Horrible Price of Freedom Chapter 1

Am I a Dramatic Airhead?

So today my mom told me I was a dramatic airhead. I will concede to those but only to an extent. I don't appreciate the term airhead because even of there is just air filling an area the area is still full. And In my unique way of thinking have decided if my head is so full of air then people need it to survive just as they need air so maybe my thoughts are life sustaining. Yeah anything to get out of sounding like I am just devoid of thoughts. But I know I am not. I just zone out and will think about a numerous amount of things and sometimes will miss things that are real and actually taking place around me but my brain and thought process can be way more fun at times then paying attention to random reality. And as for dramatic, I feel as if I have a gift to flare up the mundane around me whether it seems rational or like I'm just a very odd person. I quote Shakespeare, monologues of it in fact, and other great authors such as Edgar Allen Poe and Lewis Carroll and whoever else fits the moment. I quote from movies a lot as Well and have a tendency to tell people to stay golden if they are actually really nice people Thanks to The Outsiders. I feel like people aren't dramatic enough!  They need to be more creative with how they talk and say things whenever I hear someone say something I come back with a quote or song lyric. I feel as if people allowed it, it could be educational if everyone shared their knowledge. I think I'm rambling now. Or maybe I am just that tired but I think that I made my point I may be a dramatic airhead at times but there is something behind it.


"You need people like me so you can point your Fu**ing finger and say, 'That's the bad guy' So What that make you, good? You're not good you know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. I always tell the truth, even when I lie. So say goodnight to the bad guy! Come on, last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on! Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy coming through! Better get out of his way." ~Scarface. (SORRY I just tend to say this a lot especially when people get mad at me speaking the truth it's one of my favorites) Goodnight and sorry for this long ramble post I might delete later lol

To Write! or..Not to Write

Yesterday I had that feeling of wanting to update the blog but just could never find the right words to fill into the blank spaces. I literally made 3 drafts with just titles no words or anything. So I decided best to just save the ideas then come back to it right? So when I logged in today and saw this title I decided, why not write on this, I did have writers block for a full day. It's rare that I am at a loss for words considering my insatiable need for someone to hear and understand me and my thoughts. I know not many people care but the thought that just maybe one person out there cares enough to look is pretty comforting. I think a lot, that's what I do and I don't always feel comfortable sharing certain thoughts or feelings with people. Well I would write more but it seems that some more spring cleaning and organizing is calling my name.

Oh Cruel Wolrd!

I really don't know why I used that title, maybe I'm just feeling very Dramatic today. Lord knows I cant set my pen down for five minutes before another poem streams into my head and I have to pick up my mad and write another poem. I feel as if some of my poems may be dramatic, eerie, and sometimes very, very personal. Sometimes it's just a whole bunch of thoughts about others or different situations I have came up with in my mind. I don't think my poems are all that good sometimes though. I've been told they are meaningful and nice but I feel like if I have something left to say maybe I didn't say enough in my writings. I write a lot too, I just don't want to go unheard my whole life because I want people to know, "Hey that girl existed, she actually had a head on her shoulders." My friend always tells me to never have dreams but goals but I feel as if my plan or goal isn't put into action yet, therefore it's a dream. It's always been a dream of mine to become a published author. I've always taken it seriously and study the different types of writings out there from unskilled to highly noted to classical to unknown. I have wasted time reading poorly written stories with millions of bad reviews as a guide of what not to do. I am very critical of my own work and I am very cautious to put anything out there, what can I say I'm my very own mean critic. But I've been thinking lately if these starter writers with many mistakes can put their work out there to be judge (or in my case study) then what makes me so much better? I'm not terrified of criticism I am more scared that I will find out i'm just not good enough to have my dream come true. But hey will never know how can I expect anything to come of my writing if I am too scared to even share it outside of my city. So maybe that will be my next task working on making a dream into a goal.