Where Does the Time Go?

It never fails that I inevitably lose track of time. I'll be sitting in a room and thinking and realize all the things that I let slide for if not only a few days a week or so. I feel slow especially when it's routine things that I let slip past me. Lately I just haven't been feeling 100% and as a result I have been slacking in certain areas. But I've been trying! That had to count for something, right? Well I need to stop being so scattered brained and try focusing more for the sake of mine and everyone around me and the wisps of sanity still in the air I can grab and shove back into my ear. Well this was a quick update but I should have something better tomorrow.

Tonight's the Night!

For sleep! I know it's still kinda late to be heading to bed but it's earlier than what I've been going so baby steps. I haven't been able to sleep til i was exhausted and lately that's been dang near close to 6 am. But tonight is looking very promising and i can honestly say im happy to get a good night's rest. I don't know if it was the hours of shoving homework into my brain or the fact that i just didn't sleep as long but whatever it is im thankful. I'm having difficulty even just typing this. But i guess I'll have more of an update tomorrow i hope. Maybe i can tell you about my riveting story that I'm having difficulty focusing on. Or i could spare you the gory details. I guess we'll know tomorrow.

New phone

So today i had to buy a new phone. My dad was supposed to get it but i ended up having to use new laptop money for a new phone. But it's alright hopefully he decides that he can help with the laptop. And after i pay my friend back im putting the rest up for a good long while. So that's one worry out of the way for now which was a rather large stressor on my brain. A phone is important i was too skittish to go on a walk in this neighborhood because i have absolutely no faith in mankind to be concerned about my well being if i were to get attacked or something. Before I got pregnant that was no biggie considering i could at least defend myself without worrying about protecting my unborn child but this is a new ball park. So now i can go out and walk around and feel secure in the fact that i have a phone. I mean it's no gun but hey ill take it!

To Write! or..Not to Write

Yesterday I had that feeling of wanting to update the blog but just could never find the right words to fill into the blank spaces. I literally made 3 drafts with just titles no words or anything. So I decided best to just save the ideas then come back to it right? So when I logged in today and saw this title I decided, why not write on this, I did have writers block for a full day. It's rare that I am at a loss for words considering my insatiable need for someone to hear and understand me and my thoughts. I know not many people care but the thought that just maybe one person out there cares enough to look is pretty comforting. I think a lot, that's what I do and I don't always feel comfortable sharing certain thoughts or feelings with people. Well I would write more but it seems that some more spring cleaning and organizing is calling my name.

The Impromptu Takeover

I never really realized just how important my laptop and devices were to me until they were really gone. I know I speak of them as if they were people, but when you have the forever alone status of my caliber those little guys become important. It happened slowly and spread itself out to completely shake my world. First went my phone that was stolen at an after school program that I rarely missed. But I knew I could survive because I had my trusty Ipod touch, not as useful as a phone but great around Wi-Fi. But slowly and surely it had a mental breakdown, I'm not sure if I put too much pressure on the little guy or it was just his time. And yet I could still survive because of my beautiful reliable laptop. Then the laptop decided that I didn't need it anymore and checked out Monday night. So for the past few days I've been using my mothers laptop and tablet when I can. My whole life was on those devices and my only salvation was passwords and Google back up. How have I let technology take over my life so quickly and unwittingly. I just know one thing, there's no going back to a tech-free independent life. And slowly smacking myself for not seeing this coming sooner.

Disappointment

I feel like this word is one of the best words that have an effect on expectations turning into anything even if that thing isnt very realistic. So many things in this world from sickness, cancelled dates, even dreams of college that has made itself unrealistic for the time being. Sometimes I suppose we expect the bitter taste of disppointment so it's not as sour. Then there's those times where disappointment is so unexpected it feels as if we've been kicked in the gut one swift time by a kangaroo. Why is it that it is in our nature to expect so much? And why when disappointment knocks upon our door and we have no choice but to let it in and sit for a while, why do we still keep expecting? Sure it's easy to say just dont expect things from people but its in our nature to put our hopes into others to seek out those who will never disappoint and a good majority of the time people can be more disappointing then things. And for others it's the opposite. One of my favorite things that I have thought of, even though i'm sure I'm not the only one whose thought of it, is spoken wishes. A lot of my friends don't understand the meaning but it just mean when you speak on a hope, dream, or want, it becomes less likely to come true. I really believe that when you speak on things they are less likely to happen. But disappointment all in all is a lesson, sometimes its harder to swallow then other times. My hope is that one day when I expect something it wont be followed with a huge gush of disappointment, I mean come on reality is hard enough to handle.

Oh Cruel Wolrd!

I really don't know why I used that title, maybe I'm just feeling very Dramatic today. Lord knows I cant set my pen down for five minutes before another poem streams into my head and I have to pick up my mad and write another poem. I feel as if some of my poems may be dramatic, eerie, and sometimes very, very personal. Sometimes it's just a whole bunch of thoughts about others or different situations I have came up with in my mind. I don't think my poems are all that good sometimes though. I've been told they are meaningful and nice but I feel like if I have something left to say maybe I didn't say enough in my writings. I write a lot too, I just don't want to go unheard my whole life because I want people to know, "Hey that girl existed, she actually had a head on her shoulders." My friend always tells me to never have dreams but goals but I feel as if my plan or goal isn't put into action yet, therefore it's a dream. It's always been a dream of mine to become a published author. I've always taken it seriously and study the different types of writings out there from unskilled to highly noted to classical to unknown. I have wasted time reading poorly written stories with millions of bad reviews as a guide of what not to do. I am very critical of my own work and I am very cautious to put anything out there, what can I say I'm my very own mean critic. But I've been thinking lately if these starter writers with many mistakes can put their work out there to be judge (or in my case study) then what makes me so much better? I'm not terrified of criticism I am more scared that I will find out i'm just not good enough to have my dream come true. But hey will never know how can I expect anything to come of my writing if I am too scared to even share it outside of my city. So maybe that will be my next task working on making a dream into a goal.

Baby Update 1

So today i went to the OBGYN and had the best news I've probably had in a while. Well not best but pretty darn good thing. I got to see the baby! I never thought that would be happy seeing the baby but I was brought to tears.That little peanut was the most active little 11 1/2 week old even my mom and doc said they weren't surprised i'd been feeling light flutters. All in all today was the brightest day that i've had in a while. The only dimming thing to the day was I didnt really have someone else to marvel with yeah my mom was happy but its not the same as if the babies dad was there.I mean it isn't really my fault he felt that he wasnt ready for a serious relationship soon after I found out I was pregnant. Even though him and me dont have the best of relationships I still love this kid to death and would go through hell and back for my baby already. My love for this kid is the one thing i'm sure of. But I just wanted to give a baby update since I had one because I don't get them often and I don't really talk about the normal what everyone usually goes through stuff. Besides thats not what this blog is it's just stating things I experience,and as far as expectations today this was completely unexpected and as I watched my baby dance in my womb and it made me cry woth joy for the first time in my life I wa literally slapped with the scary, joyful, ever present situation I'm in and I loves every second of it.

Depression

Depression is so odd! I don't know if this is everyone but for me it's one of the most random things for me. I'll be feeling good for weeks, floating on clouds but then WHAM! I am slammed back down to earth with a feeling of my emotions being punched by Ali and Tyson at the same time. And it drags on and a good majority of the time it's for no reason. I mean sure things are tough, things are tough for almost everyone. I don't have worries but nothing extraordinary. It feels unending, it ends but when I am caught up in it I feel like I'm drowning it, suffocated almost. Like now I've been riding the happy train for a few weeks now but today and starting last night I always feel on the verge of tears. I always go back to this isn't normal, I shouldn't feel this way, why do I have to feel like this. Depression can cause someone to seem selfish. I know that I always feel self-centered or selfish because I feel like my life is just...the worst. I don't even know why I'm writing this...Maybe hoping to see how others feel about it, no worries I'm not considering it just feeling down. Well I guess that's all for now, I'll update later.