It's Officially the Crazies!

Dreaded night time. It seems the only time where I'm able to be wide awake whether I want to or not. So here I am 4:00 am and wide awake. Not like I went to bed at 3 am yesterday and was up at 8 am. Granted I took an hour long nap from 8 pm to 9 but that obviously should not have been enough to keep me up this long I should be exhausted!

So here I am writing more. I don't know why I haven't been writing like this more. Its therapeutic. I think it helps that I found my tablet which is way easier to make blog post and type things on than on my phone which I was on most of the time. Sadly my laptop since it had his accident hasn't gotten too much love in the any kind of way department. But hey tablets are made for convenience right? I'm sure whoever reads this blog is tired of these ramble on post but I feel like behind them I have small moments of meaning.

My goal for my next post though is to have it be on an actual topic or subject of substance instead of another case of the crazies (because yes that's what I will from now on refer to these ramblings). But I been trying to think of something good and unboring. Where's Yoda to guide my young mind when I need him? I been thinking of actually scraping the one story I was working on or at least come back to it later. I feel like its too depressing of a story for me to work on right now. After coming up with a chapter I actually feel kind of depressed because of the mindset I have to get into to have the character completely believable. But when the time comes I'll decide.

I been curious about audio books lately as well. I have two that I purchased one being Divergent the other being The Hobbit. My problem comes in where I've never really found the need for audio books I actually really enjoy reading books (paper or electronic). So I'm beginning to think that little trial is gonna be for when my little guy gets here and I know I won't have time to sit back and crack open a good old novel.

But now of course as I'm writing this I'm getting a major case of the sheep all breaking down the fence Ive been trying to throw them over and attacking my eyelids. Its funny that when I'm doing nothing i am wide awake them the moment I actually start to get into something like making a blog post I can barely keep my eyes open. So before the yawns over take me and I can no longer function let me post this and go to bed. Thanks for surviving another bout of the crazy.

Story time

So I was on this website and they were speaking on depression. We'll one lady posted this story I'm about to share and said its one of her favorite ones and now it has became one of mine.


"One day a farmer’s donkey fell into an abandoned  well. Terrified, the animal cried for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and impossible to retrieve. He realized the well needed to be filled to prevent future losses. So he invited all his neighbors to help him.
They all grabbed shovels and began to throw dirt into the well. At first, when the donkey realized he was being buried alive, he cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s shock, the donkey quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit the donkey’s back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer and his neighbors continued to throw dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take another step up. Soon everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to throw dirt your way and attempt to bury you. However, no one ever gets out of life’s wells by giving up! Shake the dirt off and take a step up!"

So I hope you enjoyed that little tidbit.

Sometime its just not that easy.

Coming up with post can actually be pretty hard sometimes. I know not a lot of people even read my blog anyway and I honestly don't know what to blog without being repetitive sometimes. I think that's why my better post are the ones where I get lost in what I'm saying. I don't know how much sense that makes but to me it just means I just et caught in my fly trap of a brain and just write what comes out.

Lately I've been lost. I have nothing to really do and then the things I can do exhaust me to the point of being able to do anything for a long amount of time. Being almost 9 months pregnant is no joke I tell you. So I just focus on an array of things being that I am a jack of many trades master of none. But it is it so bad to do that? For me yes. Then I give myself too many projects and most of them get left undone or untouched. Tragic is the role of a self entertaining jester. I feel all washed up like I'm just doing things to entertain myself then when I get bored move on. At least being a jester for myself means that someone can't come decapitate me for failing in my jester duties.

Rambling again... Anyway I feel so stuck. That is possibly the worst feeling to have at 35 weeks pregnant im discovering. It feels like my brain is going everywhere but I can't do anything to quiet my discomfort. From working on a story I don't think is good enough to poems I think are entirely too morbid I am stuck watching degrassi reruns to soothe my soul. I can't wait for this baby to get here and for school to start just to give me something constant to do and focus on. Now if that's not sad idk what is.

So here I am midnight, I've been practically asleep all day and still want to sleep (probably not helping with the crazies) and have no desire to move. So I'm typing this blog post on my tablet letting my mind wander to whatever. I really need to invest into some more forums other than babycenter though cause I think its causing me to have even weirder dreams than I already get. Should I end this crazy train here tonight or keep going... I suppose I could just make more post then just upload those when the blog needs a good ol' updating. Hmmm possibilities...well I guess I'll stop clogging the internet for now with crazy ramblings. If you made it this far you are a brave soul >.<.

Nothing to it but to do it. That's What They Say, Right?

So it's no secret that I haven't been having that much luck with jobs. i mean I have this job helping run an online store but the way I get paid is if someone actually makes a purchase and so far that has not been too luck fulfilling on my part. So I decided I should volunteer. Volunteer work is a great way to get some experience that you can put on a resume and colleges love to see that. Not only that I genuinely love to help out.

So anyways tomorrow I have a meeting with the coordinator of volunteer services at this hospice center and of course I want to volunteer in the office part of the place because being pregnant and what not I feel as if I would get too emotional dealing with sick elderly people my heart is too big for that. I am good dealing with stoic work that doesn't get me attached to certain individuals. Maybe after I have the baby I will be less of a cry baby.

But anyway I am really in love with this opportunity. True its only volunteer but the aspect of getting to help out even a little bit and someone actually wants me to help out is so exciting to me. The only dimming side is that absolutely nothing fit so I had to go to the store where I had a time in a half finding anything remotely cute and comfortable to wear to the meeting up with him tomorrow. So now I have something somewhat decent. Even though its a meeting for volunteer work I still wanted to look somewhat professional because I don't want them to think I'd show up in just anything to help out.

But moral of this post, I just have to go in there and hope for the best possible outcome. I really want this opportunity to help someone else out even if it is just filing.

You Can Do That?! (Guess Not)

Why did no one tell me it was possible to make a blog post from your email?
Am I just that slow or is it not common knowledge? I'm secretly hoping that
it just is not known as a means of blogging instead of feeling slow. So I'm
trying it just to see how it is and what not.

I can't say I'm getting an anxiety disorder considering I already have one
but I think its transforming. I have at least one baby dream a night and
they are all extremely, extremely weird. I've had a whole montage of
strange dreams though that I have no idea where they came from in my mind.
Like legit lifetime movie dreams that no one would even think I was
possible of thinking up in my unconscious state of mind.

I'm rambling again. Well I don't know once again how I got from point A to
C but I made that trip in the most ineloquent way, by talking about how I
have a case of the crazies. Well until the next ramble on post then.

P.S It didn't even work!

Update? Update!

Who is the World’s Worst Blogger?

Me obviously you saw that one coming from a mile away since I haven’t added a post since June. No seriously, June. I honestly did not think that I could be that spaced as to where I don’t blog for almost 2 months. I’ve seriously needed to at times though. I’ve been writing a lot but its not the same release as complaining to a bunch (few) people that don’t know me online. Like putting my words down then just closing the cover doesn’t really do much because I still feel the same indignity I felt just not quite as strong.

So two months has gone by, I guess you can say either a lot or very little happened depending on where you’re standing and which angle you see it from. I am now 8 months pregnant, worked things out with my baby’s father, got a job of sorts, and starting soon will be volunteering until I have this baby. I don’t even know why I am trying to keep so busy. You would think with me being the size of a beached whale I’d want to sit and relax for these last 7 weeks before I push a child out of my vagina but it’s the exact opposite. I hate relaxing and there’s always at least one thing that needs to be done.

I am working on getting the last few credits I need for high school and it feels like the process for applying for this school is taking forever. I really want to get done so that I can have a part time job and start college in the winter. It seems like time is in fast forward right now and I am powerless to stop it. How many pages I’ve filled with thoughts could’ve been enough to upload a post each week but I remained flighty and unreminded so the thoughts are tucked away in journals and notebooks and somewhere a napkin.

I know I will start blogging more because part of my new job is blogging for a business so hey why not go to my blog after I update there’s so I can keep on a schedule. I really need to blog more before I lose my sanity though.

I'm fine, how are you??

Did I make the week? I think I did or Maybe I missed it? I don't know but I'm updating so Yay. I've had a semi eventful week I guess. So father's day we went to golden corrals, I'm not gonna lie I'm a little disappointed. Maybe if I was a child and had never had super delicious food, or better variety I would've enjoyed it more. But from the advertising I assumed it'd be wayyy better than it was. But decent enough. The highlight though was hanging out with my father and uncle and enjoying their company. But since Sunday I've been at my sisters house and I sadly forgot my laptop at home and am now typing this from my phone which I hate doing! But I needed to just update. So I don't know I'm gonna start just asking how are you guys today/this week. I know Maybe only a few people read this blog but I'm curious I always talk about myself let's try to get some responses Yeah? I mean if not that's cool too just make me look like I'm talking no one when I know you're out there! Lol I'll just sound paranoid. But seriously guys I get bored talkin about myself entrust me with how your lives are going. Enlighten me and I promise I'll care! But that's all for now, just a super quick update. Later guys :).

Where's the Light?? (Story Update)

I need some light for my dark mind. My story I started and posted a chapter of on Wattpad is already kinda dark. Well not dark just flat out messed up. But that's how I have to function. I'd rather start off a story with a fucked up character that has the potential to heal then to destroy a beautiful soul in front of the world and come off cold hearted. I have hope for people and that's why my character starts off in such a twisted fucked up situation. It will all get better though because this story was decided before I even wrote it down. I can't sit here and say that the worlds fucked up so she deserves it but if you think about it everything works out for the best in that situation in the end. Sometimes there are those tragic stories where everyone dies (Hamlet) but not this time! Good shall prevail. I feel hyped up today for some reason even though today I should just be relaxing but I just keep feeling the urge to do something semi-productive with my life. But as for now the story is calling my name. I should add a description here though so if it sounds good then you can head on over to read it. I'm about to go add in a warning though in the beginning so that no one is freaked out or anything. Well I'll update later :)

Description for story:

             Melanie is beautiful, smart, and abused. She is a damaged girl and afraid to let anyone in. She stays silent about her abuse but will that all change when she meets the new mysterious boy at her school. Fresh from winter break rumors are running rampant about the dangerous quiet new kid Marco and Melanie is intrigued but put off by these rumors. Will fate give her no chance but to let this seemingly equally damaged guy into her life or will she stay in her shell and allow her life to continue to be ran by her haunting abuser.

Link to story if you liked the idea or if you wanna tell me how much it sucks there instead of here:

The Horrible Price of Freedom:
The Horrible Price of Freedom Chapter 1

I Suck!

Yeah just like the title says I SUCK! I don't even have the excuse that I've been so busy I just have gotten a little lazy. But I am forcing a new rule on myself where I have to update at least once a week. I will set a reminder and everything. I have to post something even if it's just a picture of a kitten lol. But these past few weeks have been...interesting to say the least. As I type I'm debating if I should throw in this piece of bad news just to get it off my chest...Maybe I'll just put it out there I mean there is a potential good outcome.

So I went to the Cardiologist last Tuesday (June 3) and found out that there is a good chance that I have a condition called tachycardia. I wasn't sure what tachycardia was but I know now that it means that I have a rapid heartbeat that randomly increases from a steady normal rate of 100 bpm (resting rate) to a much higher one randomly. I thought in all honesty that these were just anxiety attacks because about two years ago I was having the same thing but would pass out and I assumed that it was stress. Now fast forward to now it turns out that I may have a heart condition. I'm hoping that it isn't too serious and I have to wear a heart monitor for three weeks after it arrives which should be any day now. My mom scared me by saying that if it's too serious there's a chance that I might not be able to deliver normally when the time cause because with this condition if not treated more carefully can lead to other heart problems and I really would rather avoid the whole heart attack at 19 business.

But that's been the main thing that's been happening with me. I turned 19 Friday btw. So another milestone reached in the world of Shawna Harris. But I felt that I needed to update and get some stuff off of my chest make my life a little lighter. But I promise I'm gonna start whipping myself into shape with this updating stuff lol. Until next time.

Went Nowhere to Somewhere Fast.

So I'm taking a shot in the aimless dark. I have no honest clue where this post is going. This is one of those times I suppose where I want to write but its nothing too extremely secretive I have in mind. I've been working on another (yes, another) story and though I see exactly where this little stories going I just have no want to work on it. Call it unmotivated, lazy, or just down right weird. I keep thinking why if I have words for this am I too lazy to put it down on to paper. That's actually pretty simple in my case. I have a million stories floating on around up there in that magical place I like to call my brain and sometimes they just don't want to be introduced into the world quite yet. I would like to think that they are just not ready and once the right words come out then the story will once again begin. I still have tons of stories half written out that I just never brought myself to finish. I still remember exactly where I was going with them I just never finished writing it out. My mom wants me to be a writer. She thinks I can go somewhere with it but I am one of those horribly critical in their own work people and never managed to put myself out there too far. I've been kind of thinking of starting a new Wattpad account or just using my same one and slowly publishing different beginnings to stories and see exactly where they go.

I think I'm just not too full of myself. I know there are tons of people out in the world that could put my writing to shame. Even when people say I need to put my stories out there let the world judge you, I'm afraid this cruel world may discover a new meaning of cruel when it comes to me for some reason. Should I stop being such a baby? I don't know. There are few things I get sensitive over and writing is one of my soft spots. I know that people can be cruel for no reason whatsoever, having witnessed it first hand.

Maybe I should just post it. Let the world embrace or reject my logic at least its only through the Internet behind a screen name right. I think that's what I'll do. And I'll add the link to it into the links or make a post telling where to find it. Hmmm off to put myself into the world, damned if I do damned if I don't.

Writing Clogs

I can't write anything. I can write of course, but all of it just comes out wrong to me. I have all of these thoughts and when I try to get it on paper or just written down it sounds too forced, very unreal. But Maybe that just means something else like Maybe I just am feeling unreal. I'm not sure I go through stints where I just can't write as Well as I know I'm capable of. I've also been zoning out a lot and I know that's mostly due to the fact of my thoughts bouncing around in chaos up there with no release. I'll be on the phone, Eating, other even just talking to someone and I space. My mind feels so jumbled and full. I have a constant pressure of flying thoughts. Even writing this I keep zoning out if I look up for too long. Hopefully this is on the right track of getting my writing capabilities back. I think it helps being at my dad's house. There's not a constant need to make sure everyone is taken care of, I just have to take care of myself. I think this is why I was a dingy child. I couldn't be to myself and wasn't Exactly sure how to get my thoughts out safely. So I sat and thought instead of verbalizing and writing. I've had serious thoughts for as long as I can remember. Trying to find out why that even though my siblings and I shared the Same mother I was darker than everyone. Being raised in a Christian environment and going going through a rough time as a kid, I found myself questioning God a lot and shamelessly to this day still do. I've found that people don't typically like when you question the big man upstairs. As a child I was scorned a lot and as an adult get disgusted looks as if I should've found the magical answer by now. But my beliefs are for another Sitting. All in all I've just always felt more than I could help and I personally see Nothing wrong with that, that is of course until my brain gets clogged up. As for now I think I've cleared up a little wiggle room in my head so Maybe I can write more. This may be a greater accomplishment than I predicted.

Am I a Dramatic Airhead?

So today my mom told me I was a dramatic airhead. I will concede to those but only to an extent. I don't appreciate the term airhead because even of there is just air filling an area the area is still full. And In my unique way of thinking have decided if my head is so full of air then people need it to survive just as they need air so maybe my thoughts are life sustaining. Yeah anything to get out of sounding like I am just devoid of thoughts. But I know I am not. I just zone out and will think about a numerous amount of things and sometimes will miss things that are real and actually taking place around me but my brain and thought process can be way more fun at times then paying attention to random reality. And as for dramatic, I feel as if I have a gift to flare up the mundane around me whether it seems rational or like I'm just a very odd person. I quote Shakespeare, monologues of it in fact, and other great authors such as Edgar Allen Poe and Lewis Carroll and whoever else fits the moment. I quote from movies a lot as Well and have a tendency to tell people to stay golden if they are actually really nice people Thanks to The Outsiders. I feel like people aren't dramatic enough!  They need to be more creative with how they talk and say things whenever I hear someone say something I come back with a quote or song lyric. I feel as if people allowed it, it could be educational if everyone shared their knowledge. I think I'm rambling now. Or maybe I am just that tired but I think that I made my point I may be a dramatic airhead at times but there is something behind it.


"You need people like me so you can point your Fu**ing finger and say, 'That's the bad guy' So What that make you, good? You're not good you know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. I always tell the truth, even when I lie. So say goodnight to the bad guy! Come on, last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on! Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy coming through! Better get out of his way." ~Scarface. (SORRY I just tend to say this a lot especially when people get mad at me speaking the truth it's one of my favorites) Goodnight and sorry for this long ramble post I might delete later lol

Do or Fail

So I'm sitting here on my laptop staring at the LCD screen. I've never been so afraid of this machine before. I'm looking at the clock in the right hand corner and keep pulling up the calendar and counting the days and recounting the days and feeling a rush of panic seep in. Its time for me to complete my online finals. This sucks. It seems like all of these combined are ten times harder than the exams in school. It's scary and I for once am actually nervous about messing up. But either I do them and pass, or fail which they can thankfully unlock even though that would be embarrassing. Or I can just ignore them and fail miserably. Oh the contempt I hold for these finals.

It's a.......Baby Update!

BOY!!!!! I'm having a lovely baby boy. I'm so happy. Seeing him yesterday was euphoric. I couldn't even blog or talk to someone normal cause the way I was feeling yesterday was beyond any feeling that I could even muster a word for. Hes getting so big and he's so lovely and I am just already won over and am ready for September so I can meet my little guy. But I don't think I've been happier or felt more fuller and I swear its like overnight this bump has been growing. I just had to let anyone who reads this blog to know I found out and he is a bouncing baby boy and healthy. I'm so in love with this baby its unreal.

Quick Update_ Kinda a baby one

So today at 11 or so I finally find out what the gender of my little baby is!!! I'm so excited I don't think I can contain it. Like everyone keeps saying that I haven't been excited enough but I've been containing it until these last few days. A lot of people are even telling me I'm not even pregnant, HA! That's a good one I really wonder why people say stupid shit like that. It has actually started to kinda bother me like, WHY, why would I lie about that. Why would I be buying things for the baby, why would I post anything If I was really faking. It's ridiculous. Then in the next couple weeks when I blow up into a blimp people are gonna look mighty, mighty stupid. But I've been trying to ignore my anger at ignorance and have been focused on staying happy and positive about this little baby and getting to know what it is. Like my belly is on full flutter mode right now and I should really, really eat some breakfast but instead here I sit fully showered updating this blog. So maybe I should go sustain my life force and get some food, oh and put some clothes on. But soon, soon I will know what my little peanut is.

Almost a Month?!

Where has the time gone? With life getting in the way its almost been a month since I've posted. Luckily I finally have a laptop again and feel like I have a connection to the world again. Well that's beyond the access of a self phone. It is too difficult to blog from a phone even though I'd absolutely love to. But everything's been going good minus some small hiccups but what part of life doesn't have those. I might get to find out the gender of the baby Tuesday so that's exciting and I started back writing just to get my mind off the negative. But hopefully now that I have my computer back it won't be as hard to post because lord knows its a devil of a time to do it on the phone even though I had a couple of times. But that's all for now more another day.

Where Does the Time Go?

It never fails that I inevitably lose track of time. I'll be sitting in a room and thinking and realize all the things that I let slide for if not only a few days a week or so. I feel slow especially when it's routine things that I let slip past me. Lately I just haven't been feeling 100% and as a result I have been slacking in certain areas. But I've been trying! That had to count for something, right? Well I need to stop being so scattered brained and try focusing more for the sake of mine and everyone around me and the wisps of sanity still in the air I can grab and shove back into my ear. Well this was a quick update but I should have something better tomorrow.

Tonight's the Night!

For sleep! I know it's still kinda late to be heading to bed but it's earlier than what I've been going so baby steps. I haven't been able to sleep til i was exhausted and lately that's been dang near close to 6 am. But tonight is looking very promising and i can honestly say im happy to get a good night's rest. I don't know if it was the hours of shoving homework into my brain or the fact that i just didn't sleep as long but whatever it is im thankful. I'm having difficulty even just typing this. But i guess I'll have more of an update tomorrow i hope. Maybe i can tell you about my riveting story that I'm having difficulty focusing on. Or i could spare you the gory details. I guess we'll know tomorrow.

New phone

So today i had to buy a new phone. My dad was supposed to get it but i ended up having to use new laptop money for a new phone. But it's alright hopefully he decides that he can help with the laptop. And after i pay my friend back im putting the rest up for a good long while. So that's one worry out of the way for now which was a rather large stressor on my brain. A phone is important i was too skittish to go on a walk in this neighborhood because i have absolutely no faith in mankind to be concerned about my well being if i were to get attacked or something. Before I got pregnant that was no biggie considering i could at least defend myself without worrying about protecting my unborn child but this is a new ball park. So now i can go out and walk around and feel secure in the fact that i have a phone. I mean it's no gun but hey ill take it!

To Write! or..Not to Write

Yesterday I had that feeling of wanting to update the blog but just could never find the right words to fill into the blank spaces. I literally made 3 drafts with just titles no words or anything. So I decided best to just save the ideas then come back to it right? So when I logged in today and saw this title I decided, why not write on this, I did have writers block for a full day. It's rare that I am at a loss for words considering my insatiable need for someone to hear and understand me and my thoughts. I know not many people care but the thought that just maybe one person out there cares enough to look is pretty comforting. I think a lot, that's what I do and I don't always feel comfortable sharing certain thoughts or feelings with people. Well I would write more but it seems that some more spring cleaning and organizing is calling my name.

The Impromptu Takeover

I never really realized just how important my laptop and devices were to me until they were really gone. I know I speak of them as if they were people, but when you have the forever alone status of my caliber those little guys become important. It happened slowly and spread itself out to completely shake my world. First went my phone that was stolen at an after school program that I rarely missed. But I knew I could survive because I had my trusty Ipod touch, not as useful as a phone but great around Wi-Fi. But slowly and surely it had a mental breakdown, I'm not sure if I put too much pressure on the little guy or it was just his time. And yet I could still survive because of my beautiful reliable laptop. Then the laptop decided that I didn't need it anymore and checked out Monday night. So for the past few days I've been using my mothers laptop and tablet when I can. My whole life was on those devices and my only salvation was passwords and Google back up. How have I let technology take over my life so quickly and unwittingly. I just know one thing, there's no going back to a tech-free independent life. And slowly smacking myself for not seeing this coming sooner.

Disappointment

I feel like this word is one of the best words that have an effect on expectations turning into anything even if that thing isnt very realistic. So many things in this world from sickness, cancelled dates, even dreams of college that has made itself unrealistic for the time being. Sometimes I suppose we expect the bitter taste of disppointment so it's not as sour. Then there's those times where disappointment is so unexpected it feels as if we've been kicked in the gut one swift time by a kangaroo. Why is it that it is in our nature to expect so much? And why when disappointment knocks upon our door and we have no choice but to let it in and sit for a while, why do we still keep expecting? Sure it's easy to say just dont expect things from people but its in our nature to put our hopes into others to seek out those who will never disappoint and a good majority of the time people can be more disappointing then things. And for others it's the opposite. One of my favorite things that I have thought of, even though i'm sure I'm not the only one whose thought of it, is spoken wishes. A lot of my friends don't understand the meaning but it just mean when you speak on a hope, dream, or want, it becomes less likely to come true. I really believe that when you speak on things they are less likely to happen. But disappointment all in all is a lesson, sometimes its harder to swallow then other times. My hope is that one day when I expect something it wont be followed with a huge gush of disappointment, I mean come on reality is hard enough to handle.

Oh Cruel Wolrd!

I really don't know why I used that title, maybe I'm just feeling very Dramatic today. Lord knows I cant set my pen down for five minutes before another poem streams into my head and I have to pick up my mad and write another poem. I feel as if some of my poems may be dramatic, eerie, and sometimes very, very personal. Sometimes it's just a whole bunch of thoughts about others or different situations I have came up with in my mind. I don't think my poems are all that good sometimes though. I've been told they are meaningful and nice but I feel like if I have something left to say maybe I didn't say enough in my writings. I write a lot too, I just don't want to go unheard my whole life because I want people to know, "Hey that girl existed, she actually had a head on her shoulders." My friend always tells me to never have dreams but goals but I feel as if my plan or goal isn't put into action yet, therefore it's a dream. It's always been a dream of mine to become a published author. I've always taken it seriously and study the different types of writings out there from unskilled to highly noted to classical to unknown. I have wasted time reading poorly written stories with millions of bad reviews as a guide of what not to do. I am very critical of my own work and I am very cautious to put anything out there, what can I say I'm my very own mean critic. But I've been thinking lately if these starter writers with many mistakes can put their work out there to be judge (or in my case study) then what makes me so much better? I'm not terrified of criticism I am more scared that I will find out i'm just not good enough to have my dream come true. But hey will never know how can I expect anything to come of my writing if I am too scared to even share it outside of my city. So maybe that will be my next task working on making a dream into a goal.

Baby Update 1

So today i went to the OBGYN and had the best news I've probably had in a while. Well not best but pretty darn good thing. I got to see the baby! I never thought that would be happy seeing the baby but I was brought to tears.That little peanut was the most active little 11 1/2 week old even my mom and doc said they weren't surprised i'd been feeling light flutters. All in all today was the brightest day that i've had in a while. The only dimming thing to the day was I didnt really have someone else to marvel with yeah my mom was happy but its not the same as if the babies dad was there.I mean it isn't really my fault he felt that he wasnt ready for a serious relationship soon after I found out I was pregnant. Even though him and me dont have the best of relationships I still love this kid to death and would go through hell and back for my baby already. My love for this kid is the one thing i'm sure of. But I just wanted to give a baby update since I had one because I don't get them often and I don't really talk about the normal what everyone usually goes through stuff. Besides thats not what this blog is it's just stating things I experience,and as far as expectations today this was completely unexpected and as I watched my baby dance in my womb and it made me cry woth joy for the first time in my life I wa literally slapped with the scary, joyful, ever present situation I'm in and I loves every second of it.

Depression

Depression is so odd! I don't know if this is everyone but for me it's one of the most random things for me. I'll be feeling good for weeks, floating on clouds but then WHAM! I am slammed back down to earth with a feeling of my emotions being punched by Ali and Tyson at the same time. And it drags on and a good majority of the time it's for no reason. I mean sure things are tough, things are tough for almost everyone. I don't have worries but nothing extraordinary. It feels unending, it ends but when I am caught up in it I feel like I'm drowning it, suffocated almost. Like now I've been riding the happy train for a few weeks now but today and starting last night I always feel on the verge of tears. I always go back to this isn't normal, I shouldn't feel this way, why do I have to feel like this. Depression can cause someone to seem selfish. I know that I always feel self-centered or selfish because I feel like my life is just...the worst. I don't even know why I'm writing this...Maybe hoping to see how others feel about it, no worries I'm not considering it just feeling down. Well I guess that's all for now, I'll update later.

My Aim

So I've tried having a couple blogs before but I have bad tendencies of topic jumping, staying on track, etc. I can be very scattered brain when the opportunity presents itself. So I figured, why not have just a blog. Ingenious right? Not really I have no idea why it took me all these years to come to this grand conclusion. But here we are folks. But in the light of all this the main reason I got back into blogging is because recently (2 months ago) I found out I was pregnant. No this will not be a blog all about my pregnancy. This blog will be about all the things I have expected, or expect to happen and finding the outcome because reality loves to get in my way. But through all this I hope to find people with a common goal, with uncommon goals, people with differences, and people who aren't so different. Right now I'm full of expectations. So any minute I should be hit with some realities :)